


Doubts

by Teaotter



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Community: love bingo, Derek Feels, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-26
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:52:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teaotter/pseuds/Teaotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They need him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "Fatherhood."

Derek never wanted to be Alpha. He wasn’t really suited for it, and before the fire, it didn’t matter. No one cared if he wanted to wander the woods alone. Someone else would pick up the slack. After the fire… 

He still can’t think of it. Not all at once.

There was anger. Grief. Survivor’s guilt. Just plain ordinary guilt. Laura read all the books and passed them on to him. Derek knew all the terms, all the signs, all the things that were supposed to help. Nothing helped.

Did he want to talk about it? That was a joke. He barely talked for three years. Laura managed to keep him in human form most of the time, but that was the best she could do. But she talked to him, gave him books, made him read. Made him be more than a wolf, when it would have been so much easier to just let it all go.

Laura didn’t want to be Alpha, either. But she picked it up and ran with it, because there was no one else. Because there wasn’t another pack willing to take in a pair of wolves marked for death by the Argents. Not when one of them was as damaged as Derek – and Laura had refused to join without him.

Looking back now, he wonders if his need made it easier on her. If she could pull herself together so well because he depended on her. Or if she just learned how to cry when he was out running on all fours.

Because having his pack need him isn’t helping Derek at all.

There isn’t a single, solitary moment when he doesn’t feel like a failure. A fraud. These people, his betas, his family – he promised to keep them safe, and he doesn’t know how. They need to be able to fight, they need to be able to control the change, but no one ever taught Derek how to teach these things. And he’s not figuring it out fast enough. He’s not sure there is any such thing as fast enough.

He can throw them around and chase them around and make them hurt, but he can’t make them fight. He can’t make them want to fight, not even for each other. Derek can’t give them something solid to fight for, because he doesn’t have it in himself.

Hell, he can’t even get Scott to come to the pack, and Scott is the farthest thing from a lone wolf Derek has seen in years. Scott sticks to his little pack of friends, and they look out for each other in ways Derek can’t get his own to do.

Maybe he should have chosen people who were already friends? Maybe they don’t have time to learn to come together. Maybe he’s going to get them killed.

Laura used to say that she and Derek weren’t fighters, but they could sure as hell run. Maybe he should take her example, take his pack and run.

But looking at them, sleeping in a pile in the corner of the subway car, Derek can’t bring himself to do it. They deserve a home. Maybe they deserve a better Alpha, too, and maybe they’d be better off if he chased them into another pack. But as long as he’s not sure… he can’t stop trying.

Because they're _his_ family. That has to be enough.


End file.
